Last week, I wrote the following entry:
Life is full of ups and downs. There are times where you have the odd wobble, you feel a unsure, a bit down, as if nothing is going your way. Recently I have been feeling like this. Usually after coming back off holiday I feel invigorated, enthused, “on fire”. This time, I feel sluggish, deflated and ever-so-slightly anti-social.
I have day-to-day family commitments to consider. I’ve got more film-work than I know what to do with right now (Spare Change looming fast with many issues still unresolved, plus several other gigs which all have deadlines). This all has to be done in what little spare-time I have. My full-time job has been frankly hectic/difficult/grueling . I currently act as “web manager”, but recently have also been handed the responsibility of being “conference manager” (no hand-over period, just baptism by fire). The two worlds overlap at times, but essentially I am now doing a job which two people were doing in the past for little reward. I don’t feel I have the time to do either job to the quality I would like. The new conference side is by far the more interesting out of the two roles. I’ve been doing web for over 15 years. Simply put, what once excited me is now a chore. I am tired of having to learn a new way of developing or a different programming language every few months. I’m tired of having to explain to people why things need to work in a particular way web-wise. I need a change!
With all these problems there is a temptation to just “ignore everything”. But this is not my style and sometimes all it takes is just a few reflective moments (such as writing this entry) to set me back on track, to get me thinking straight again. There is clearly an element of pain that needs to be broken through before I can benefit longer-term. The biggest carrot which keeps me going is the fact I have just decided to go part-time. This will force my work situation to change. If I can just get through this rocky period, I should soon be able to spend time doing more of what I’d like (namely spending more time with family and doing more free-lance film-making work). The fact I will be part-time also allows me an additional safety net which is a trickle of cash coming in each month to help pay the bills (a luxury most full-time free-lancers don’t get). So for now it’s head down and focus! I might not be where I want to be right now, but I’ve taken steps to work towards it. Anything worth having generally requires that extra bit of effort. It means you appreciate things all the more and that’s ultimately what is far more fulfilling and rewarding in life.
Since writing this, things are still too hectic especially at work. However the pro-active steps I’ve taken feel like they are already starting to pay dividends.
Feel free to comment on this entry and treat it as a “film-maker” therapy thread if need be! In life there are always knocks. But there is also light at the end of the tunnel.